on feeling and falling

Love is a tricky thing. Or at least that is what we are led to believe. It is a common notion that if you ask 100 different people what love is, you will get 100 different answers. "Love is someone making me laugh." "Love is a hug and a warm smile." "Love is the goosebumps I get on my arm when I am next to him." But the most common phrase associated with love has to be this, "I feel like I'm falling in love."

Now, despite my mistrust and disgust at most television shows out there, I must admit that I sometimes peruse the stations at night to see what we are all being fed - to see how us Americans are being told to live and love. And last night I stumbled across one of America's most popular TV shows, The Bachelor. For those of you not familiar with this show, a man is placed amidst 25 beautiful woman and given a certain number of weeks to find the love of his life. They are taken all around the world, set up on dates, and are put in intimate situations mentally, emotionally, and (for the ratings) physically. It is kind of a heady notion that someone's future is determined by the set up of TV land, but all the fallacies of this show put aside, there is a common theme running through just about every conversation that leaves me worried.

In determining whether there is a connection between the man and his women (a foundation upon which to build a relationship) they often talk about their feelings. And in almost every. single. conversation played out there are these words: "I feel like I'm falling in love with you." And, more often than not, because of these words, the relationship is taken to another level.

But there is a problem here. A BIG problem. Actually TWO BIG problems: the words "feel" and "falling." Let's look at why.

If love were based on feelings, what happens when, 5 months or 5 years or 25 years down the road those feelings aren't there? Because, being married 5 years this coming August (I love you, hubby!) I can certainly tell you that feelings come and go. Sometimes I feel madly in love with my husband. And sometimes I don't want to be around him. That is the nature of life. We don't always feel good. So, for love to last and for those in love to be happy, there is no way love can be based on feelings.

Now, let's look at the notion of falling in love. Yes, it's true we are sometimes caught off guard by the attraction we have towards another. However, saying that we "fall" into love, and thus basing a relationship upon this discovery, means that just as we can "trip" and fall into love we can just as easily "trip" and fall out of love. Again, what happens when, 5 months or 5 years, or 25 years later we "fall" into love with another person? If our only experience of the foundations in a relationship is feelings and fallings, we are duped into thinking that we no longer love the person we are with and are now in love with another. And we know too many lives, families, and relationships that are torn apart as a result.

So, what is love? Love is neither feelings nor fallings. Love is an action. Love is selflessness. Love is choosing the good for the other. Love is placing someone above and before yourself, for this is the example of Love from Our Lord. Since God is love (1John 4:8) and we are called to imitate His example of love, our love must be like His.

In the beginnings of a relationship, it is easy to equate or confuse feelings with love. And while feelings are a natural contributor to the attraction we have, they are not the ultimate deciding factor for whether or not love is present. When embarking upon, or continuing, a relationship we must ask ourselves, "To what degree would I lay down my life for this person and to what degree would they do that for me? For no greater love has a man than this, to lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).

It is my prayer that we are not persuaded by the imagery being fed to us that love is all about what we feel but rather that we embrace the true call of love - a call manifested and set before us on the cross of Christ. May His love be present in all our relationships and may His love be the foundation upon which we base our lives.